Chapter 24 - Drowning

Oh dear god! What a long chapter! :O And I had said shorter chapters in the last update 0:S. Eeks! Well hope you like it anyway. And sorry that it got a bit too long, I guess I got a teeny bit carried away :S.

This chapter was actually influenced by the song that will be placed near the end of the chapter, “Stay” by Sara Bareilles. Do listen to it if you haven’t already.

Khushi sat on the edge of Arnav’s recliner, trying to think of yet another way of getting Arnav to listen to her. A month had passed since they had gotten married and ever since she hadn’t seen so much as a glimpse of Shyam. She had no idea where he was and in a sense she actually wanted him back in Shantivan, at least maybe that way she would be able to sort out this mess. And on the other hand Arnav never seemed to be around; he’d immerse himself in work to such an extent that he now only came home late at night. Even during the weekends he would make sure to not be around much and it pained her, it pained her to know that he wouldn’t even allow her that one opportunity to explain herself, it hurt to know that their relationship held no importance in his life that he didn’t even think her worthy of being given a chance to be heard. She found it difficult to digest that he was able to display such raw hatred towards her.

“Khushi ji?” She snapped out of her thoughts suddenly as Anjali entered the room, “Khushiji isn’t Chottey home yet?” She questioned glancing around the room.

“N... No di,” she mumbled, standing up and walking up towards her.

“Oh,” Anjali began to think things through. She had found a whole deal out so far and her investigations were still going strong. But she wouldn’t let anyone know, no not yet, she would keep this quiet for now for her unborn child’s sake and until she obtained more evidence. At least she didn’t have to see his face any longer. But for now what was important was bringing Arnav and Khushi together, she knew her brother thought she did not have so much as an inkling of what was going on, but she did and that was exactly why it was important that she bring them together, for their relationship deserved to be stronger than this.

“What happened di? Is something wrong?” Khushi finally asked, feeling slightly uneasy at seeing Anjali’s face that appeared to be lost in thought. What if it was some other issue that Shyam had decided to create? Her heart beat quickened as that thought entered her mind.

“No nothing Khushiji,” she smiled off quickly, “it’s just there’s a party tonight and you and Arnav both need to attend.” She reassured as relief washed over Khushi, then fear gripped her once more. How could she refuse? Or how would Anjali di take his refusal, would Khushi be able to take his rejection again? She felt like a battered soul as if the whole world was on a rampage with her sodden heart, aiming arrows at it left right and centre and he stood in the middle of it all. The man that she loved the most in this world, would forsake anything and everything for, stood in the centre of the army out to get her, with a large trident that he would ram through her heart, over and over and over again. She gulped loudly, as her palms became sweaty; such situations always left her fumbling for words.

Anjali immediately caught onto the trepidation in Khushi, how her eyes darkened and her face fell and if she hadn’t been such a soft person she would have surely dragged Arnav in and slapped him senseless for what he was doing. But her brother had never been one for such lessons, in fact then he would begin to defy her too, see her as yet another bad guy in his carefully formed misunderstanding. She would have to tread lightly, with the both of them and that was one of the reasons she had planned for them to attend tonight too, maybe if they were forced to spend time with each other, her brother would mend his ways, for she knew he was not a bad man. No her brother had never been more than a hard shell, refusing to let anyone in. And in this case it was quite clearly evident that he only acted in such a manner with Khushi because of his unyielding love for her, it had been clear in the way he had protected her in front of Lavanya, what felt like months ago, and then how he had gotten married to her, possibly unconsciously so that he could make sure she would never be the property of another. Her heart bled for him, thinking of how he had never taken his own share of happiness, how it had always been given away on a golden platter to her; he’d simply sat back and smiled at the fact that she was happy. And now that her relationships, her life was under threat, once again he had sacrificed himself. Had Khushi really been in ties with Shyam and had she not also been an innocent in this vicious game then had her brother not written over his life to pain and destruction in the name of her happiness? Yes he had, and she knew he would do it over and over again for no matter what the world saw, his soul was pure, innocent and although the facade stayed on, she knew him for what he truly was, a sincere human being with a golden heart. And the world had treaded upon it, time and time again, but whilst he had saved her, he hadn’t been able to save himself. But now she saw a glimpse of sunshine, a ray of hope and she wouldn’t let that good for nothing little piece of shit take away what was truly her little brothers, she wouldn’t let Shyam take away Arnav’s last chance at happiness.

“Khushiji I’ll send you up a new sari, be ready. I’ll tell Arnav to pick you up before he goes,” Anjali said softly, taking Khushi’s hand and smiling.

****

He cursed under his breath as he yanked the car door open then slammed it shut behind him. Not opening the door to her side or even waiting for her for that matter. He cursed himself for having to put up with her, for having to see her face every night and know that she belonged in body and soul to someone else. He welcomed the mind-numbing pain that engulfed him these days on knowing that the dreams he had weaved, for years on end had come shattering down in that one moment, when he had seen her in the arms of another, asking to break the life of the one person he held most dear, the only person that was left in this lonely life of his. He welcomed the pain because he could escape it no longer, he had sealed his fate, with a woman that did not love him, and with a life he had written away so many years ago. And yet every time she would do something new, attempt to break through his walls, crumble down his resolve. He gritted his teeth in anger, his nostrils flaring, his jaw set, his caramel orbs blazing with fury as he heard her click the door open and slowly step out, her anklets tinkling with every tiny movement of her feet. He refused to look at her, at the angelic beauty that she held, clad in a red sari with tiny crystals studded on the edges he would not be able to look away from her, he knew his heart would fall for her yet again, so he kept his gaze away as she finally walked over and stood next to him. He felt his temper flare through him then, possessing every muscle of his being and he had to take deep breaths in and out, clench his fists and let his nails dig into his skin as he struggled for control, to stop himself from grabbing her neck right there and strangling her for playing such vile games with his wretched heart.

He grasped her hand in his as he led her through crowds of people, all elegantly dressed; belonging to a world she too had belonged to years ago. She couldn’t help the slight twinkle of happiness that passed through her as she felt her hand in his, it happened every time and no matter what he did she still yearned for that closeness, for what they had had all those years ago. She ached for one night, one night like the one they had had before she had decided to leave him forever, for priorities that were larger, to let him live his own life in peace. Just one night and then maybe she could leave. Pack-up and just run somewhere far away.

****

Shyam watched in the distance, that creepy, slanted snarl adorning his face. Arnav Singh Raizada thought he was so smart, obtaining a restraining order against him, increasing the security so that not so much as an ant could enter Shantivan but he didn’t know Shyam yet. Tonight he would attack again, he just needed one more hit, a stronger one, Arnav seemed to be almost too capable of the rest. And Khushi would leave Arnav, come back to him, realise what she had given up. And he would be waiting, the muscles in his face twitched as he watched Arnav take the drink that he had carefully placed on the tray.

****

But Shyam had been so fickle, his every plan failing one by one; he hadn’t needed to spike Arnav’s drink. Arnav had already ordered for his SUV to be picked up and a car with a driver sent instead. Tonight in the midst of a crowd of women dressed in elegant gowns, men in tux’s all laughing and chatting, hiding their own cursed personal lives behind golden glasses of scotch, he too would do the same. He placed the glass of champagne he had lifted back on the tray and grabbed a glass of Scotch instead. He had reached his limit, he wasn’t able to take it anymore, things were getting worse, no solutions were coming to him and her silence, her quiet games threatened to throw him over the edge, into an abyss of his own fury where he knew he would drown, dragging her down with him. And the next morning when he would inevitably wake up, he would have to live through every moment of what he had inflicted upon her, every tiny little wound he had created and drown in his own pool of misery. He felt like a burning man, constantly surrounded by a flaring fire, her fire, as he burned in the pits of it. And now he finally understood what helplessness felt like, it wasn’t what he had felt all those years ago when his mother had killed herself, nor was it what he had felt when Khushi had first left him, no it was what he was going through now. Every ounce of violence he inflicted upon her, hurt him in equal amounts, maybe even in higher degrees. Every rash word of his, cut through his own soul, gashing it in wounds that would never heal. He could not help himself from loving her, from feeling bound to her in some sense or the other and therefore he couldn’t dare see her go away from him and yet having her in front of him hurt him all the more, for he knew she would never love him back. So this was what helplessness felt like, having the one thing you desire so close yet so far away, having her within arm’s length and not being able to touch her tenderly, feeling his own heart beat towards her and not feeling hers back. So there it was Arnav Singh Raizada who had worked all these years to see his sister happy, had somewhere along the lines lost his own happiness and now he was reduced to a mere hard shell, a lonely, helpless hard shell.

Khushi watched in horror as he downed one glass after another of amber liquid, his eyes slightly glazed over, and the twitch of his muscles as he gulped the liquid down in a flurry, his steely grip on the glass enough to shatter it apart. She pounced forward suddenly, unable to watch him any longer, for she knew if this continued it would not go down well and she would yet again be on the broken end of it all. She grabbed onto his arm, her fingers grazing over his pronounced biceps and felt him freeze. She took a small step back as his dark orbs, the colour of rust bore into hers, anger flaring out of his every pore. She moved away completely, knowing that look all too well as he took a step towards her but what he did next shocked her and she felt her heart gallop through her chest as he saw the muscles on his face loosen, his pupils lighten back to that beautiful shade of caramel. She watched in shock, her hazel eyes wide in confusion as he gently took her hand into his, and then began to stride away from the crowd, towards the door, pulling her along with him.

Saturday, empty room, filled with people

It don’t mean a thing to

You and I, holding hands

Nobody knows, nobody understands

I don’t care for sunlight

That only means it’s over

And I’m in no mood for that

She watched in silence, not quite sure what she should be feeling, following him in a sort of trance as he led her into their room and closed the doors behind him. A shudder ran up her body as he turned around and took a step towards her, gulping away her fears she took a step back, retreating away from him but the next instance her eyes widened again in shock again as he suddenly turned away from her, his eyes distant then stalked off towards a cabinet in the far corner of his room. She felt her body go almost weak with shock, the events of the day coming to her in frenzy, all mixed up, incomprehensible. She let herself fall onto the bed and bunched herself up on her side, wanting now to just fall into deep sleep before things really took a turn for the worse.

She lay there with her eyes closed, she must have been lying there for at least an hour now and she spent her time doing what she did best every night, when sleep took too long to come to her and her mind refused to travel to the boundaries of what was happening in her life right now. She looked back on the good moments of her life, to a time when she had felt that she could solve every problem in her life.  But then her father had fallen ill and she had left Arnav, and possibly all of her joys behind, from then on she had fixed herself in her carefully formed box, working only till the edges of it, then retreating back and to this day she didn’t have a proper answer to why she had left him, though if she pondered into it deeply it was possibly guilt. The guilt of weaving her dreams and fantasies with Arnav when the man that had taken an orphan in; her father had met with an accident, lost everything in his life. It was that guilt that had kept her away, binding her to a lifetime of debt for loosing herself to passion whilst her father had been fighting between life and death. And that in turn had led her to the guilt she felt now, as by trying to do so she had denied another of a love that had been offered, in equal quantities, every ounce of it her way. His love, his promises she had ignored and a month ago when he had held her in his arms she had known that she had wronged him, for he had continued to love her for all those years. But now it was no longer her fault, now it was his blind rage, his inability to think things through that was ruining everything. She stopped herself there, dwelling into it more would land her in that dark abyss that she constantly ran away from once more, so she traced her mind back yet again to happier times, a slight smile playing across her face as she remembered his gentle smile, when the next minute she froze hearing glass shatter against wall.

She sat up instantly, her eyes widening in surprise as her jaw dropped open, her heart bleeding out at the sight that beheld her and for a minute she felt her heart had stopped before she gathered herself together and hurried off of the bed.

Arnav could feel the world swaying around him; he was drowning in his own misery, his own pain, his own guilt. He was drunk, mind-numbingly drunk, to an extent he had only allowed himself to go once before. He felt himself stagger, the world around him swing out of control, everything coming through to him in blurry specks of light. He let the images flash through him, seer through his soul because now it didn’t hurt as much; it was like they were hitting off of a wall of foam. They came to him one buy one as he stood near the large French doors, his Scotch still in hand. First his mother, her kind face, her kind brown eyes as she cupped his face in hers, promises to protect him forever, the gentle warmth of her lap and then her body, lifeless, how he had struggled, how he had failed, how he had been too late. Always too late damn it! And then Khushi, Khushi! Her beautiful round face, her silken skin, her full pink lips, those large dove hazel eyes, her tinkling laugh, her annoyed glares, how he had fallen head over heels for her, without even knowing a reason and then how she had played him. Her in the embrace of another man, his own brother-in-law began to replay over and over again as his hand tightened around his glass. He’d spent so many years wishing she would come back, would have took out his heart and laid it in front of her if he could but she had decided to trample over it, rip it to shreds and throw it to the ground in front of his very eyes. And yet he could not help himself but feel that he should punish himself for every little mistake he made, for every time he lost his control he wanted to punish himself. Why couldn’t he hate her damn it?!

The rage overtook him then; his every muscle began to shake, as his caramel brown eyes blazed with uncontrollable fury. He tightened his grip around the glass and sent it flying at the adjacent wall, watched as it shattered to pieces, the amber liquid, spilling down the cream vanilla walls. And he let the tears finally spill down his face, in torrents, all the tears that he had held inside for too long. He leaned against the thick glass then and let himself slowly slide down, to the ground, letting every wave of pain hit him and engulf him completely, letting the full effect of the alcohol take over him as he slid to the ground.  He picked up a shard of glass and clenched his hand around it­, let it pierce into his skin, hurt him as he had hurt her, let the blood drip.

Khushi ran towards him then, “Arnav? ARNAV?!” She screamed, “Arnav!” She shook him as he lay there against the glass, tears streaking his face. She felt tears brim up in her own eyes; she could bare his hatred but not this pain, not his tears. She began to wipe at his face as he lay, his eyes too distant, “Arnav Arnav please don’t cry. Arnav please,” she begged, her voice breaking with her own tears as they trailed down her face. He placed his hand over hers then, streaking her skin with his own blood and took it away from his face, sending his fingers through hers, brought it nearer to himself as he turned to look into her pools of hazel.

“Khushi,” he whispered finally, his voice hoarse with tears, “Khushi, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, “I’m so sorry Khushi.”

“No Arnav, please, please it’s okay, shhh, shhh,” she hushed him as she frantically wiped away at the tears that continued to flow down his face.

“Khushi,” he gulped, not breaking eye contact, “please bring me out of my misery Khushi, please stop this pain,” he begged, pulling her closer towards him, his hot breath, drenched in a stench of alcohol, on her face, “please make me stop loving you Khushi,” he whispered and she felt her heart almost give way. She stared back at him for a few seconds, not quite able to comprehend what he was trying to say. He still loved her, despite all of his misunderstandings and all the hurt he sent her way, he still loved her? She stilled suddenly as he came closer, his face only inches away from hers and she instinctively moved back, scared that he would lash out and hurt her and as he continued to move closer, she scrunched her eyes shut, waiting for the pain, but nothing of the sort happened and shock overtook her being once more as his arms moved around her waist, huddling her closer to him. She felt herself being drawn to his warmth, finally back to his protection as he snuggled his head into the crook of her neck, his warm breath against her skin, the shuddering of his body against hers making her heart almost break as tears racked through him and her with equal force.

“I love you too Arnav, please just stop this. Just stop this please,” she whispered into his hair as she hugged him closer to herself.

Stay tonight

Don’t come morning, don’t come light

They may be lies, say it, say that we’ll be alright

If we stay tonight

My hands are shaking

This is a complicated love with me

Keep your eyes closed, I’ve seen it baby

I’ve seen where this goes.

He moved her back then gently, letting his hands slide down her arms, then moving them up ran his fingers through her hair, his eyes lighter, gentle, pools of melted chocolate, glazed over as he moved her closer, till their lips were almost touching, letting them linger on what felt like soft petals then took them in completely. Khushi felt herself let go of everything, choosing only to revel in the moment that had appeared, almost out of nowhere, where his lips were now moving against hers, his fingers rustling through her hair, as those fingers that up till now she had winced away from, now gently trailed through waves of her hair, and she felt her own hands move up his arms of their own accord as she moved in closer to him, letting his tongue slip in, tasting what felt like the man she had actually fallen in love with, letting herself go.

Her heart beats raced upwards as their tongues met, clashing against each other, a tiny moan escaped her as his hand moved down her back, his fingers burning against her skin as they fumbled against the thread of her blouse. It was like little currents were flowing through her at his every touch. She gasped as he pulled at the top string and then the bottom, his hands running over the exposed skin of her back and then on to her shoulder, pushing the pallu off. She leaned back then, letting him trail kisses down her throat, his lips fervent against her skin. She let her fingers run through waves of his soft hair as he sent kisses down her neck, then lower until he reached the top of her blouse and his fingers moved over her soft skin, sending flutters through her as he pulled it off, his fingers tracing a line down her arms.

Stay tonight

Don’t come morning, don’t come light

They may be lies, but say that we’ll be alright

If we stay tonight

She let his ravenous lips travel all over her skin, re-establishing the right that she had only given once before and that too only to him. She clung onto him, her head pressed against his hair as he stood her up, his hands moving down to her waist, to her tucked in pleats, sending sparks through her veins as she clung closer yet again, his tender lips still on her skin. She let her fingers dig into the hard blades of his shoulders as he slowly removed her pleats, his fingers grazing against her skin, soft moans escaping her almost unknowingly. Her breath hitched in her throat as her heart started beating at a rate that even she hadn’t thought possible as her petticoat dropped to the ground and he undressed her completely. Her nails dug deeper into his flesh, as his hands roved over silky skin, exploring every inch of her as he lowered her onto the bed, her body sinking in and she felt senseless with ecstasy.

Arnav didn’t know what he was doing, why he was doing it, all he knew was that tonight he had given up to his senses, his body, he was giving into her. He was giving into what felt right, his intoxication taking over his every sense as he lost himself in her warmth, her fragrance, the love that she was offering, even if it wasn’t true because if he didn’t he knew he would break down sooner rather than later, so he gave in.  He held onto her hips, entering her slowly then began to rock her to his own rhythm, her soft moans like music to his ears and let it numb his pain.

A slow drizzle started outside then, falling at first in little drops, then splattering to the ground in all its glory, drenching leaves and trees in its gait and it poured down deafeningly as the slight slivers of the glowing moon up ahead bathed their intertwined bodies in its light.

Gonna feel it baby

Oh I don’t wanna cry

I know we’ll get to tomorrow and say goodbye

That’s what I’m asking for

Tonight

Stay tonight

Don’t come morning, don’t come light

They may be lies but say that we’ll be alright

Say that we’re gonna be alright

Tonight

And that’s it ;). Tiihihi :P.

The next chapter is the last chapter of the prequel. After that it will return to the present; to two years later. So I think you all know what will happen in the next chapter. But exactly how it will happen, wait and find out ;).